i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
