I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
