oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
