I'm gonna have a badass scar
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
