i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Rumble strips road head = magical
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
