And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You pole danced in your parka.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
