there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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