Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
false alarm, still single
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
