Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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