Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
