what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
