I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
