before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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