dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
