Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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