Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
