Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
