i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
