my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
