They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
