im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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