if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just invented taco cereal.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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