Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
