Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
