Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
