Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
