im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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