Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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