she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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