he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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