There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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