I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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