We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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