Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
