The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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