I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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