you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
