I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
