I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
me + whiskey = a bad person
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
