I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
