I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
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