I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
