I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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