Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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