I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
