if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
