end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
