I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
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I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
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mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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