I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
