and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
