I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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