I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
