come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
