you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
