How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
