And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
