im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
