So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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