Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
