i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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