I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
