I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
