Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
