I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
