If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
