Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
