when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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